I was in bed and felt a mighty compulsion to write something down. So I did. And now I’m going to put it here because I don’t know what else to do with it. I’m no writer, and my prose style is.. kind of odd I think. Anyways here it is, under the cut (which my ludite ass just figured out how to do!). I think it’s supposed to be the preamble for a series of short stories? Tell me what you think I guess? I dunno man.
This is the fourth installation of a series of posts recording the information contained within my prophetic dreams, the knowledge imparted to me by Drk Nakull, the Dark Tomato God of Fury. In this post the scope will finally focus in on the actual followers of the Tomato Lord himself, the people of the Kull Empire.
The Kull Empire:
The Kull Empire is relatively knew as a global power in Dall, as is the widespread worship of Drk Nakull (the coincidence of which should come as no surprise). The Empire came to power via a series of violent battles uniting the formerly diverse city states of the southern regions into a single world power. Despite their diverse origins the Kull now stand as a passionately unified ethnicity. The Kull are conquerors and expansionists and this has brought them to some conflict with the other world powers of Dall, primarily Dall Aiea. Dall Aiea views the Kull Empire as a dangerous conglomeration of religious fanatics. It should be noted that religious fanatic here is meant to imply incorrect religious practices, not simply devotion. All peoples of Dall have religion, most of them quite extreme by our standards. However all the various religions are part of a grander shared religion, the one of Aiea, discussed somewhat in earlier posts. As such the people of Dall Aiea, as the realms cultural capital, often define general global standards of religious practice. The Kull are notoriously counter to the Dallian ways and thus are seen as a threat to them. The Empire has not expanded it’s borders in many years following one of the bloodiest conflict in Dall’s history with the Dall Aieans. The aftermath of this battle has brought on an unsteady peace between the two superpowers.
The Kullic People:
As mentioned before the Kull have a diverse background, however the distinct racial features of the original conquering tribe does bestow one with some social privilege. These features are tan to dark skin, light brown hair, a stocky build, and distinctive red eyes. Facepaint and hair dye are common and often an indicator of religious devotion. Red is the choice of paint for the body, and normally green for the hair. A common haircut is the ‘vine’, where the head is kept bald save for a circular patch at the top of the head, where the hair is grown very long, and bound in a kind of ponytail. The Kull have a warrior culture and thus the image of the warrior is desirable. As Kull warriors tend to wear heavy plate armor Kull fashion often incorporates lightweight metals and clever folding of fabrics to give the impression one is wearing armor while still wearing comfortable cloth (the Empire is located in a warmer part of the world so it’s important the clothes still be breathable and light).
Culture:
Culturally the Kull value strength, not so much of the body but of the mind and spirit. To outsiders the Kullic ways often seem harsh or even cruel. It is not in Kull practice to mock those who are seen as weak (mockery is perceived as a symptom of insecurity) but they can be very cold to those who show signs of dependency or a weak will. A Kull who commits suicide is never called by name again, their memory is considered unfit for public discussion. The family and friends are expected to grieve quietly and alone. Tears are not shed at Kull funerals, to do so would be to shame the departed. Evidence of this was apparent when the Tomato God spoke to me: he was amazingly disdainful and unapologetically critical of our ways. Now this is not to say any display of emotion is frowned upon or even that displays of vulnerability are always taboo. The Kull understand that mourning, depression, and other such social issues exist. But while we often treat them as things that must be accepted, the Kull see them as obstacles to overcome.
Religion:
At long last we get to the heart of the matter: What does it actually mean to worship the Dark Tomato God? The Kull view anger as the most pure expression of existence. It is the motivator, the reason all things strive, and the source of strength necessary to see tasks through to completion. The Kull acknowledge many forms of rage and have different associations with them all. Of the many kinds the purest form is what the Kull call “Ashes”. This is anger that is equal in intensity to the berserker rage, when one loses control and acts out violently, but unlike the berserker rage (which the Kull call “Ignition”) it is not released in a burst. Instead it remains inside, silent, often known only to the bearer of such rage, and can remain for a long time, even a lifetime. It is said that all people must experience this rage, to find their “true hate”, in order to know their purpose and to experience fulfillment. A minority of Kull believe that hatred is a necessity of mortal existence and that if one has achieved their purpose in life then Drk Nakull will relieve their soul of the terrible burden in death. There are several holy texts, I cannot recall the exact number though I think it is seven or eight. The primary text of the lot is called the Kraiser Nakull. The tomato is holy to the Kull and the plant is grown in excess throughout the empire. Every part of the tomato is associated with it’s own distinct aspect of Kull religious belief, thus imagery of vines or fruit in Kull art and story telling cannot be fully appreciated without knowledge of these associations. Vines are often associated with holy sects and magic. The fruit is associated with the emotion of rage and the Tomato God himself. The imagery of a tomato, ablaze but not burning up, is one of the most sacred symbols. To eat a tomato is to accept a part of the Tomato God into yourself.
Drk Nakull:
Drk Nakull himself, whom I spoke with in my dream, is an interesting presence. His form is tall and spindly (I would say rather Tim Burton-esque) and he dressed in dark robes. His head was a tomato, which sounds like it would be silly, and yet could not be less amusing. Within his mouth and eyes there was fire, both literally and metaphorically. From atop his head a bit of the vine is still attached, and it is covered in thorns (which I don’t think tomatoes actually have…). His voice was deeper than I thought it would be. He was well spoken but not eloquent: to the point, unapologetic, and arrogant. He spoke to me not as an equal but as though I were an object, like when you talk at a wall or shout at your computer. He is not a god frightened of public appearance: back on Dall he sent more omens, visions, miracles and the like to mortals than any other deity. His desires were without end, and it seemed odd to me that a god, who knew the full extent of his powers and rights within a greater pantheon, could so doggedly pursue goals that were impossible. Then again there is much of the god’s existence I don’t fully understand. They don’t experience reality like us so explaining their ways often makes little sense. Being in his presence however lit a fire within me, or perhaps simply threw fuel on a flame that had always been. I could and have sensed this fire within after waking from the dream. It feels like purpose though to what I couldn’t guess at. Perhaps Drk Nakull has plans for me. Perhaps he doesn’t and I simply understand the anger within me better. I have encountered the Dark Tomato God in later dreams but always fleeting and never so vivid as the first. I wonder if I will ever dream so vividly again. I hope so.
I’m not sure when I’ll next write on this subject. I’ve covered most of what was revealed to me, save for a bunch of random details and anecdotes. I suppose I’ll try to organize the less salient bits of information and make another “catch all” post.
Started learning distinctive features yesterday in class.
Decided to make a chart for consonants.
Will eventually make one for vowels.
I’m gonna piggy back of this delightful visual to give a short PSA about features and why they matter.
So in the current model of linguistics the brain does not crunch language in terms of individual sounds or phonemes. What it pays attention to is a supposedly finite set of possible features that every sound unit either has or does not have (I’m gonna skip the concept of feature valency). This is significant because it explains why phonetic rules often target a whole set of sounds (i.e. English apiration rules target p,t, and k) instead of just one phoneme at a time. It’s a really amazing system that may come pretty close to describing the ‘atomic’ structure of sound in language.
But for me the importance of featural analysis, as with many things from the field, goes beyond just the linguistic. People use labels as a means to communicate advanced concepts and natural phenomenon that transcend the concrete world. We divide people into various social constructs and thought into philosophies. There’s nothing wrong with this; in fact I would argue that these labels make cognition and language possible. However there are times when I think it’s important to remember that labels are in the end just arbitrary associations and generalizations. Any label is, like a phoneme, actually made up of features, and it is these features which affect us. Thus when identifying someone or oneself with a label it’s important to remember that it’s really select features we identify with, not necessarily the whole package.
For example: I once read a denouncment of Cynicism (spelled with a capital C to represent the philosophy, not the attitude). Now Cynicism is based on the primacy of science and the scientific method as a means to knowledge (that’s a bit of a rough description but it’ll do for now). Now the denouncment was based on several issues, that Cynicism was a haven for mysogyny and neo-liberalism and several other claims. Now for this PSA we’ll assume these accusations were accurate. Now from this the accuser denounces Cynicism and goes on to attack the scientific method and the concept of scientific primacy, as these were the bases of Cynicism. Makes sense when you treat Cynicism as a whole indivisible entity. If Cynicism is scientific primacy and Cynicism is mysogyny then simple algebra means scientific primacy is mysogyny. But the problem here is obvious: Cynicism does not equal scientific primacy. Scientific primacy may be a feature of the movement but it is just that. A single element of a larger social construction, which is defined as much as the actual beliefs and actions of the people who compromise it as it is by it’s theoretical basis or goals.
TL;DR one can dislike Punk music without disliking the whole of Punk culture, or dislike Ghandi and still be a pacisfist. It seems like a simple concept but is so often forgotten because we forget that labels are really just an arbitrary bunch of features that have been packaged together for means of easy reference.
This is a continuation of this post wherein I outlined my silly project of fully calquing, that is too replace on a morphological level, Latin with English. In my last post I covered most verb forms. In this post I will round out those forms with passives and infinitives. Also I will address noun\adjective endings.
So as a quick recap, if the Latin dictionary entry for ‘to love’ is
Amo, amare, amavi, amatus
Then with what we’ve covered in RPL we can render
LoveI, amare, LovedI, amatus
So first things first. Infinitives. In Latin there are roughly 5 infinitive forms. The Present Active (to verb), the present passive (to be verbed), the Perfect Active (to have verbed), the Perfect Passive (to have been verbed), and the Future Active (to be going to be verbed). In Latin the Present Active is formed by taking the stem and adding the ending -are (this is not completely accurate and only works for 1st conjugation, but RPL has only the one conjugation as of yet sooo…). Thus in RPL the Present Active is easilz formed as Loveto (as in ‘to love’). The Present Passive is formed similarlz with a slightly different ending, so in RPL it is Lovebe (as in ‘to be loved’). The Perfect Active is formed using the perfect stem and another unique ending. In RPL this is Lovedve (the ‘ve’ reads like the ‘ve’ in ‘would’ve’).
Now, for the last two we need to address the past participle. This is a verb form that is also an adjective meaning ‘having been verbed’. We have already seen this form. It is the ‘amatus’ from earlier. This form has a unique stem (the ama may seem like the same stem as earlier but in other Latin verbs it’s more obviously different) and takes a noun\adjective ending (-us). So first things first we need a stem form. In English we have a not terribly productive form that does a very similar job to this participle. The be-verb-ed form, seen in words like ‘bespectacled’ or ‘besmirched’ or ‘beloved’. So my choice for this stem in RPL is Belove.
Here we must take a detour to determine noun\adjective endings. In RPL as with verbs there is only one declension (for now) instead of the 5 or so in actual Latin. I chose 2nd declension to mimic as it has a distinct vocative form. I based these endings largely of English pronouns or English prepositions related to the case. So here we go. As one final disclaimer I chose he and him in the singular instead of other gendered pronouns because 2nd declension is typically masculine.
————-singular————————————————————plural
Nom.——-ee (as in he)———————————————-ey (as in they)
Gen.——-of (as in the English possesive preposition)—-their
Dat.——-to—————————————————————for
Acc.——-im (as in him)———————————————-er (as in her)
Abl.———by————————————————————-for (yes, these are identical in actual Latin as well)
Voc———oh (as in Oh Danny Boy)——————————-ey
So now we can form our Amatus. It is Beloveee.
We are almost set to make that dang infinitive. But we need one. last. thing. The infinitive of to be, esse. As this is a unique form it get’s a unique form in RPL. Also to maintain phonetic similarity I have chosen Are to be this form. Now we’re ready. In Latine the Perfect Passive Infinitive is formed by taked the perfect passive participle and adding the infinitive of esse. So in RPL you get Beloveee are.
For our final infinitive, the Future Active, in Latin this is very similar to the Perfect Passive (amatus esse) except it has an infix (amatURus esse). In RPL this infix is go as in going to. So the Future Active Infinitive of Love is Belovegoee are.
So with that down we can address a few remaining verb forms. First off: the imperative. In latin this comes in a singular and plural variety. The singular is normally a very bare stem and the plural takes an extended ending. So the singular and plural imperative forms in RPL for love are respectively: Love and Lovedo (as in “do it”).
The passives are all (well, by a severely limited definition of all) that’s left for verb forms. In Latin the passive forms take a special set of endings. These endings often are similar to the active endings but with a final R. Convenient as in English the passive form is constructed with a form of to be, which in some case is ARE. Sooo…
——————————singular——————————————-plural
1st Person—————Im (as in I’m)———————————-wer (as in we are)
2nd ———————our (as in you’re)—————————-sguysr (yous guys are)*
3rd———————-sis (3rd singular plus is)———————emr (them are)
*This was chosen so it would not look similar to the active form
So there we go. That’s all I have for now. I’m currently working on Gerunds adjectives and adverbs. Obviously this project has some flaws. There’s a limit to the extent to which languages so disimilar as Latin and English can be calqued. But I’ll keep going until It ceases to amuse me.
Stay tuned for next time, when I translate some rather famous Latin exerpts into RPL!
Warning: The following is a very silly use of linguistic knowledge.
So last year as I took Latin I started a very silly project I dubbed Real Pig Latin (RPL). Basically the idea was to calque, that is to replace every morphological element of, Latin with English. I have also attempted to maintain certain phonetic patterns as best I can. As a quick disclaimer I should mention the project is still incomplete and may never be capable of full completion. But it is a lark so here we go.
We begin with verbs. In Latin all verbs are given dictionary entries of the form:
Amo, amare, amavi, amatus (this is the verb to love).
Basically these are the four forms you would need to form all the myriad conjugations a verb can assume in Latin. Translated into English the four forms would be something like,
I love, to love, I loved/have loved, having been loved.
So because the root (*Am) contains the sematic weight and the endings contain the grammatic weight it’s fitting that the English morph ‘love’ should replace the ‘Am’ parts of the Latin verb (and by extension the english verb replaces the initial segment of all Latin verbs). Now the -o ending on Amo gives it the first person meaning so for now we will replace it with the english morph ‘I’. So Amo becomes LoveI (pronounce the I like eye).
So now we can take a slight detour to formalize all the Latin present active indicative endings into RPL. They are as follows:
——————-Singular———-Plural
1st Person——-I——————-we
2nd Person—-ou (as in you)—all (as in y’all)
3rd Person—-s (the 3rd singular ending in English) —-em (as in them)
Allright. Now we can move on to other verb forms that use these endings (and yes I am ignoring the fact that the first singular is normally a slightly irregular form). So in classic order of Latin 110 classes everywhere let’s move on to the imperfect active. At this point I should mention that in RPL there is only first conjugation (for the time being). So the imperfect (translated into English as was verbing, used to verb, kept on verbing, etc.) is very similar to the present except that it has the infix -ba- between the root and stem (once again ignoring 1st singular irregularities). So in RPL we replace this fittingly with -was-. So the Latin “Amabatis” (y’all were loving) becomes RPL “Lovewasall”. Similar to the imperfect we have future, which utilizes the infix -bi- (I know it’s bo, bi, bu but I’m simplifying). So this is replaced with -will- so Latin Amabit (he/she/it will love) becomes RPL “Lovewills”.
Ok. Funnus on the Bunnus. Now to perfection. So as you will recall the third part of the dictionary entry was Amavi which translates to “I loved/have loved”. Here the stem has altered slightly from Am(a) to Amav. So the English must change to match. Luckily English verbs already have past tense forms so Know would become Knew and Hear to Heard so our Love becomes Loved. Perfect tenses have their own endings so we need a new set. It is as follows:
——————————Singular——————————-Plural
1st Person—————me—————————————wes (maintaining Latin phonetic patterns)
2nd Person————-ya (as in slang for you)————ous (as in yous)
3rd Person————-it (both english pronoun and actual Latin ending) -gonntem (This will make sense later)
Allright. Eggselent. But before we go on to the other perfect tenses we need to take another detour to form the different forms of Latin esse meaning to be.
So the present form of Latin esse is
sum—-sumus
es——-estis
est——sunt
Notice the dispersal of ‘s-forms (sum, sumus, sunt) and ‘e-forms’ (es, estis, est). Now here is that same paradigm in RPL.
am (as in I am)——————————————————-amwe
rou (as in aRe yOU)————————————————-rall (as in aRe y’ALL)
ris (as in is, with the r to maintain phonetic patterns)-amem (am them)
And now the Latin imperfect of esse:
eram-eramus
eras—eratis
erat—erant
Once again, note phonetic patterns . Now for RPL:
werm (wer is pronounced like and inspired by were)-werwe
werou (you)———————————————————werall (y’all)
wers——————————————————————-werem
You may notice this look similar to the present endings. That’s on purpose, because the actuall Latin looks like that. Now let’s round this out with future endings, first Latin then RPL:
ero-erimus
eris-eritis
erit-erunt
gonna-gonnwe
gonnou-gonnall
gonns-gonntem (remember this from a while back? Yeaaaaah)
Ok. Now back to perfect tenses. The pluperfect in Latin is the perfect stem plus the imperfect of esse. So They had loved in Latin is Amaverant and in RPL is Lovedwerem. Future stem is the same but with future of Esse so ‘They will have loved’ (amaverunt) in RPL is Lovedgonntem.
Ok. I am exhausted. I will finish this up later. See you then.
This is part 2 of a series that begins here. Once again I am posting to help organize my thoughts, but any input from my fellow conlanging snoop lions would be most welcome.
So, phonology. Also Orthography.
True Sword has 11 consonants (any that are not identical to their IPA form will have the IPA given afterwards): b, d, g, t, k, s, l, m, n, r /ɹ/, and y /j/
There isn’t much more to say on consonants, other than that True Sword does distinguish gemination (so bb or rr are different from b or r respectively), ‘n’ is unique as the only consonant that can stand alone (as in “n” the word for “and”), and s becomes /ʃ/ before i.
Vowels are a bit more interesting. There are five basic vowels: a /ɑ/, e /ɛ/, i, o /oʊ/, and u.
There is also a sixth vowel, the r-colored r /ɚ/, but none of the following applies to this vowel so we’ll leave it be for now.
All of the vowels have a distinct r-colored versions represented as ar, er, ir, or, and ur. a, o, and e also have distinct i-colored versions represented as ai /aɪ/, oi /ɔɪ/, and ei /eɪ/. e also has a special both i and r colored version, represented eir /eɪ˞/. Now when I say these are distinct forms I mean each one is treated as though it were a distinct vowel.
Now I mentioned in my last post that verbs show application by shifting vowels. Here’s how that works: Vowels can shift in two ways. What is called a “Left-Shift” and an “Up-Shift”. Now these could also be called fronting and raising, respectively, except that the irregularity brought in by the various colorations and the fact that the frontmost and highest vowels also shift make it a tad too irregular to truly be fronting or raising. All vowels, including r, shift in both ways, but no vowels shifts to r. The shift chart looks like this:
UP:_____ ar o oi er i eir ir ai ai or u ai ur a ai
Standard: a ar ai e er ei eir i ir o or oi u ur r
LEFT:___ ai ai ? ei eir o or ir u oi oi e er i er
Like consonants vowels distinguish length. Long i colored or r colored are spelled by doubling the i or r (the r in the case or eir). An apostrophe is used to distinguish ambiguities (like o’i from oi and er’r from err).
As of yet I have no restrictions on vowel clusters (though of what I’ve made so far almost none are more than two, only a few that are three) or vowel clusters (also rare in groups of more than 2; also if u falls initially in a vowel pair it is always long, though as this is an allophone it need not be written uu).
So I have about a week before I need to actually showcase a translation of these posts in my Conlang, currently operating under the code name True Sword. As such I’m gonna post about it here to help me collect my thoughts and see what still needs to be done. If any of my tumblr conlangin’ bro’s out there want to submit any feedback that would be welcome as well. So here we go.
True Sword is a head-final absolutive language with a heavy emphasis on verbs and agreement. Verbs must always come first in a sentence and main verb clauses precede any subordinate ones with rare exception. The basic structure of a verb is thus:
Root-Truth-Agreement-Tense.
Root is simply the word that gives the verb its semantic meaning. The vowels of the root can be altered (more on this process later) in order to form a variety of applicative constructions; specifically 6 varieties: one for each case (excluding ergative and absolutive). Thus any one oblique argument can be promoted to an absolutive core argument.
Truthregards two things: questions and negation. Negation is straight forward: either positive or negative. There are three options question-wise: No question (the normal meaning of a sentence), yes/no (making a statement into a yes or no question) and if/then. If/then makes if/then statements (both verbs have the segment). Making one or both of the verbs in an if/then pair negative forms either/or and neither/nor constructions.
Agreementis a or a chain of morphological segments that agree with the core arguments, which due to the applicative construction can be anywhere from one argument to three. The segments must agree with their object in case, number, gender, and person. As there are 2 cases (only Ergative or Absolutive apply here), 4 numbers, 4 genders, and 7 persons there are quite a lot of these segments! Each one effectively acts as a pronoun, so any pronouns in the rest of the sentence are dropped except for emphasis or with a cupola. There is one other segment type; the clause agreement. If a verb takes a subclause as one of it’s objects (for example: I ask that … or He taught me to …) then a special particle appears in this part of the verb. It does not modify to show different types of clauses. This particle is important as it puts the listener on alert for a clause which may be ambiguous otherwise (due to aspects of the language that will be made clear later.) The ordering of these particles are: Absolutive (if something has been applicated the applicative one comes first) then Ergative then Clause agreement. In verbs with only one absolutive object to agree with the particle takes a special expanded form.
Tense is divided into six times: Past (incompleted action), Past (completed action) Present, Immediate Future, Non-immediate Future, and Gnomic (for general statements and also use in certain types of subordinate clause). The tense marker also changes to show three voices (Active, Passive, Antipassive) and three moods (indicative [for things that actually happened], dubitative [for things unlikely to happen], and potential [for things likely to happen]).
There is also a special series of endings for imperatives. Imperatives can be addressed at any person (1st 2nd or 3rd). In 1st or 3rd person the verb takes the same imperative ending and has standard agreement (save that the expanded form is not used). In 2nd person a special ending is used and there is no agreement. One can form a 2nd person like the 1st or 3rd person imperative to specify number and gender but this would be considered very formal.
Many verbs that commonly result in subclauses have special formations to avoid this (subordinate clause formation leads to ambiguity and is thus avoided when possible). Modal Verbs (can, want, should) attache to the end of the root of the verb it modifies. So ‘I want to do that’ would be more like ‘I dowant that’. This same construction can be made to form causal formations but only with intransitive verbs.
There are several special verbs that all involve the cupola. The basic cupola, which can never be excluded (because verbs are very significant in True Sword and thus a full clause cannot exist without one), is fully irregular and has a distinct from for the various tenses, voices, and moods. The cupola has no agreement and thus pronouns must be stated. Cupolas also cannot applicate. The cupola can be reduced to a suffix that can be put on the ends of adjectives to form phrases meaning ‘is adjective’.
Ok. That’s it for verbs. Obviously plenty to work on here. I realize though I can give no examples because I haven’t explained the phonology yet so… looks like that’s next.
This is the second chapter of the ridiculous sword club history/bible. This part is newly minted. If there is ever to be more of this tale I don’t think I will be the one writing it. With the tale of the second dragon, Dumashiteru sa ma, I have caught up with my now past generation of sword clubbers.
Chapter 2: The Children of Oltgardr
1. Oltgardr created the world in one week.
2. He could have done it faster.
3. He only worked two days of the week.
4. That was enough.
5. On the first day he was.
6. And that was enough.
7. On the second day he created the sky and the earth and the ocean and plants and animals and men and machines and elementary school teachers.
8. And that was more than enough.
9. Oltgardr was so tired he slept for the next two days.
10. And that was enough.
11. On the fifth day he awoke.
12. But that was not enough.
13. On that day Oltgardr taught men to fight.
14. And it was awesome.
15. When the day came to an end all the creatures of the earth came together and said:
16. Let us party!
17. And they partied for two more days.
18. At the end of the party birth was given to the children of Oltgardr.
19. And so creation was completed.
20. In the first days after creation man was weak, dumb, uncreative, uncooperative, and wielded only the most simple of weapons.
21. Man sought the first son of Oltgardr.
22. A great mighty beast it was, covered completely in fur that was red like fire.
23. All things before it either move or were crushed.
24. “Oh Robcat” said the men, “You are so strong but we are so weak. How can we be like you?”
25. “I am strong” rumbled the beast, “because Oltgardr blessed me with the power known as Jew. No man can ever truly know this power. But I can teach you a similar power.”
26. “Teach us! Teach us!” begged the men.
27. And so the Robcat taught men the art of Jew-Jitsu, so that though they could never know the power of Jew they could still be Jewish.
28. And so men became strong.
29. But man was still dumb, uncreative, uncooperative, and wielded only the simplest of weapons.
30. Man sought the second son of Oltgardr.
31. A deceitful creature it was, ever-shifting in form.
32. All things were as pawns on its chessboard.
33. “Oh Monkey King” said the men, “You are so clever but we are so dumb. How can we be like you?”
34. “I am so clever” crooned the spirit, “because I desired never to be tricked. I can teach you this desire. But it comes at a cost. Will you pay me?”
35. “Teach us! Teach us! We will pay! We will pay!” shouted the men.
36. And so it was that the men of the earth gave Monkey King their clothes, for that was what it asked for payment. Then, laughing at the foolish and naked humans it left, teaching them nothing.
37. And so it was the men gained the desire to never be tricked.
38. And so men became clever.
39. But man was still uncreative, uncooperative, and wielded only the simplest of weapons.
40. Man sought the third son of Oltgardr.
41. An unknowable entity, as deadly to the mind as to the body.
42. None who had encountered it still lived.
43. “Oh Cthulhu” said the men, “You know such unknowable things but we are so uncreative. How can we be like you?”
44. Cthulhu spoke unspeakable sounds. It planted forever in the minds of men the ability to twist reality whether or not they wanted to.
45. The men of the earth screamed in terror.
46. And so as the shadows and clowns became nightmare in their minds so too did their ancestors and weapons become dreams to combat the nightmares.
47. And so man became creative.
48. But man was still uncooperative, and wielded only the simplest of weapons.
49. Man sought the fourth son of Oltgardr.
50. A jovial god, all smiling face and laughing belly.
51. All who spoke with it knew true friendship.
52. “ Oh Ganesha” said the men, “All things in this world are your friends but we are so unccoperative. How can we be like you?”
53. “Oh you silly things!” laughed the god, “You are already like me! Just look at yourselves and you will see.”
54. “We see! We see!” rejoiced the men.
55. And so it was that men realized the potential within themselves and rejoiced in each others presence.
56. And so it was that the first teams were created.
57. And so man became cooperative.
58. But man still wielded only the simplest of weapons.
59. Man sought the final son of Oltgardr.
60. The only one to share Oltgardr’s form; a dragon!
61. “Oh great dragon,” proclaimed the men “Since Oltgardr, your father, created us we have become strong, clever, creative, and cooperative. And yet still we feel lacking. You must truly be a complete being; made in Oltgardr’s own image! How can we be more like you?”
62. The dragon purred, “You are strong but do not know how to apply your strength. You are clever but have no purpose to be clever. You are creative but you do not create. You are cooperative but have no goals which require cooperation. How can you claim to have become any of these things?”
63. The men of the earth stood speechless.
64. And so it was that the last son of Oltgardr walked amongst mankind.
65. And so it came to pass that the dragon came to be as one of them, and the men of the earth learned to apply their skills.
66. They learned to use their strength to intimidate and to bend PVC.
67. They learned to use their cleverness to develop tactics in battle and to design weapons to better suit those tactics.
68. They learned to use their creativity and made the art of weaponcraft into a means of expression and created rules for sport and for war.
69. They learned to use their cooperation to organize into pairs, clubs, and nations and to collaborate on projects greater than the sum of their parts.
70. They also learned a thing they did not expect.
71. They learned to act without worry.
72. They learned to do what made them happy.
73. They learned not just to know themselves but to be themselves without fear of others or instilling fear in others.
74. “Oh dragon, wherever you are, what is this trait you have taught us?” asked the men, for they could no longer distinguish the dragon from themselves.
75. A voice purred from no specific direction, “I have taught you the most valuable of all things. More important than the weapons you wield, cooperation, creativity, cleverness, or strength. More important than the creatures of the earth. More important than the elements. You have learned that which first caused Oltgardr to create. You have learned to be silly.”
76. “Oh dragon,” called the men again, “you have given us so much, but we do not even know your name! What shall we call you?”
77. “What shall you call me?” purred the dragon, “Why should you call me anything? Have I taught you nothing? It is no matter. I shall be among you always. You can decide what to call me yourselves.”
78. And so the dragon was given the title of One who Brought Change, for his impact on the world is second only to Oltgardr.
79. And so the men of the earth went forth to make the earth a silly place.
80. A silly place for silly people.
So this is part one of the official history of Sword Club, a silly organization I was, and still am, a part of in college. I wrote this I think one to two years ago. Chapter 2 is soon to come, as well as a version translated into my conlang, because I am a shameless nerd with too much time. So here we go:
Chapter 1: Creation
1. In the beginning there was nothing.
2. Nothing begat nothing.
3. And there was nothing.
4. Öltgärdr was.
5. He was before there was memory of him or memory of memory or memory of nothing.
6. Öltgärdr took an instrument in his hand.
7. The instrument was after Öltgärdr was and before there was memory of him or memory of memory or memory of nothing.
8. Öltgärdr named the instrument Axe for he will separate nothing with it.
9. Öltgärdr separated nothing with the Axe and nothing was something.
10. Something was chaotic.
11. Öltgärdr was hungry and he split again something into the sky and the earth and the ocean and plants and animals and men and machines and elementary school teachers.
12. And Öltgärdr commanded that which he had split from chaos to feed him.
13. And that which was split from chaos was called order, for it created hors d’œuvres.
14. Öltgärdr looked upon order.
15. He looked upon the sky and saw that it changed from night to day and saw that the stars moved and decided it was interesting as something is meant to be.
16. He looked upon the earth and saw that it caused mountains to rise and saw that it quaked and saw that things could walk upon it and decided it was interesting as something is meant to be.
17. He looked upon the ocean and saw that it had tides and saw that it had currents and saw that things could swim in it and decided that it was interesting as something is meant to be.
18. He looked upon the plants and saw that they harvested food from the earth and sun and saw that they created chemicals and poisons and decided that they were interesting as something is meant to be.
19. He looked upon the animals and saw that they harvested food from the earth and the ocean and from plants and from other animals and saw that they could move in many ways and decided that they were interesting as something is meant to be.
20. He looked upon men and saw that they did nothing and decided that they were not interesting as nothing was.
21. He looked upon machines and saw that they did nothing and decided that they were not interesting as nothing was.
22. Öltgärdr made machines into tools and taught men to use tools so that men would use machines and men and machines will be interesting as something is meant to be.
23. Öltgärdr taught machines to produce things and taught men to cause machines to produce things.
24. Öltgärdr taught machines to produce strong white tubes which were malleable but unbreakable and taught men to cause machines to produce strong white tubes which were malleable but unbreakable and it was called PVC pipe for it Pleased the Very Creator.
25. Öltgärdr taught machines to produce a soft material that fit perfectly on PVC pipe and drew blood from the skin of men and taught men to cause machines to produce a soft material that fit perfectly on PVC pipe and drew blood from the skin of men and it was called foam for it was made from the loam of the earth.
26. Öltgärdr taught machines to produce a flexible and sticky material that was many colored and resistant to the elements and taught men to cause machines to produce a flexible and sticky material that was many colored and resistant to the elements and it was called duct tape for when men saw it coming towards them they ducked.
27. These were the elements that constituted the first sword.
28. He looked again upon men and saw that they fought with swords and decided that they were interesting as something is meant to be.
29. He looked again upon machines and saw that they forged the raw elements that created swords and decided that they were interesting as something is meant to be.
30. He looked upon elementary school teachers and saw that they taught new men to create new machines and they taught new men to cause machines to produce new materials with which to make new swords.
31. Öltgärdr looked upon swords and knew they were awesome.
32. Awesome to the max.
Okay, at long last this is the third installment of me recording the messages delivered to me in my prophetic dream. Today I will cover the state of Dall Aiea, the nature of gods with relation to time, the race of Titan Gods as well as Chizunoki the barbarian god of chaos, and finally a rather odd sect of gods who lack a common name.
Dall Aiea
To start of this tale we first need to discuss one of the nations of the realm of Dall; that of Dall Aiea. Dall Aiea means fall of Aiea and is called so because the capital city is located in a giant crater which, according to folklore, is the crater made when Aiea struck the planet (incidentally this is also why the world as a whole is called Dall). The nation is the worlds self-appointed cultural leader, one of it’s wealthiest, and home to the majority of significant historical locations, not least of which is a pyramid whose title I cannot recall.
This pyramid is so significant that while it technically lies within the nations borders it is not legally in the domain of any one nation. It is a holy site maintained by an independent order of monks. It is located in a forest far from any city or town. The pyramid is lopsided; one side is almost vertical and the others have a very gradual slope. At the base of the flat side there is a massive trench. This trench extends amazingly deep, deeper than any other manmade structure in Dall. In effect this makes the steep wall extend further. While the other sides are blank stone every inch of the steep wall is covered in the most elaborate carvings. These carvings are amazingly intricate, and no one knows who created them (or the rest of the pyramid for that matter). What is known is that the carvings are an intricate cipher that is part history and part prophecy. The monks who maintain the pyramid are also devoted to, very slowly, deciphering the massive message. The deciphered code has revealed many historical events and also many prophecies of events to come, many of which have actually come true. People from all over the world make pilgrimages to the pyramid in the hopes of gleaning some of it’s knowledge.
The main city of Dall Aiea, which is also called Dall Aiea, is, as mentioned earlier, situated in a giant crater. This has had quite the impact on Dallian architecture. They are fans of very high thin towers, suspension structures, and bridges, creating an intertwined spiderweb of ivory structures possible only because the city is in effect built in a bowl to support it. Dallians love the color white and lighter shades of beige. Their dress often involves plates of cheap lightweight metal cleaver woven into fabric to resemble armor and they are fans of elaborate head dresses. While the Dallians could be seen as being the most universal in their worship of the various gods of Dall they primarily worship, and are indeed one of the very few nations where this is common, the Titan Gods.
The nature of gods and time
Before we talk about the Titans and other gods it’s important first to understand the significance of how gods deal with time. Mortals work on a linear scale: we have one continuous past that flows into the future at the junction of the present. Gods however have very malleable pasts and experience the future and present as one. To clarify: A god can have more than one past. They can also gain a past in the present or future, by which I mean on Sunday the God Dorminik had never fought the beast of Ur. On the following Tuesday Dorminik could have been fighting the beast for the last thousand years. It’s confusing but understanding their perception of time is crucial to understanding their actions.
The Titan Gods
According to legend when Aiea struck the earth and created the explosion that created all life and gods at the very crucible of the explosion a very special sect of Gods were forged. These were the Titans, Tall featureless porcelain skinned giants with long limbs. Titans all look identical save for their heads. Some have no heads. Some have horns. One has a giant floating eye above it’s shoulders. All titans have a distinct and frequently bizarre head. They also all come in pairs, save one; the Titan King. The Titan King has a head shaped like a crown and is most powerful of all the Titans. Each Titan is a god of a specific cultural aspect (for example one Titan may be the Titan of lost (no head, just horns coming out of his shoulders), who would correspond with the Titan of found (a tall bird head with no eyes)) and all together they are the gods of order (the Titan King is the Titan of order). They are among the most powerful gods in the entire sprawling pantheon of Dall and are feared by other Gods as the law of the land.
Chizunoki
In one history before the reign of the Titans the world of Dall existed in a state of utter chaos. Only mad tribes of humans roamed ceaselessly, with no direction, cannibalistic and in a state of constant war. Ruling over this madness was Chizunoki to barbarian God of chaos. He is depicted as an colossus of unparalleled size, monstrous in form, with a head that is part elephant and part octopus (think cthulu with tusks). His gaze could fell buildings and he had enourmous pointed ears pirced with metal and bone. He had a mohawk of spine-like hair and was dressed in furs, crude metal, and the bones of his enemies, which is to say, all things. His weapon of choice was simply a large wooden club covered in crude nails. His presence alone was enough to cause any attempt at civilization to fall to madness. It is said that with the coming of the Titans war broke out between them and Chizunoki. Realizing that the only outcome of direct conflict would be a stalemate the Titans struck a bargain with the beast. They would build for him a fortress, completely impenetrable, from which he would be able to rule everything. However it could only be reached by a path that would take all of time to reach. Chizunoki accepted. Whenever in reality war breaks out, civilizations fall, or other chaotic events happen, it is said that it is because Chizunoki’s path crossed reality at that point (some survivors of terrible tragedies claim to have seen the Mad God). Chizunoki reaching the fortress is often how the peoples of Dall depict the apocalypse.
The Odd Gods
As I final note (because I’ve finally gotten to discussing the Gods themselves) I would like to mention a peculiar group of gods. These gods are worshiped universally across Dall. They are often odd, lacking the typical trappings of Dall gods and rarely interacting with other deities. Some have claimed they are the true children of Aiea and are like Gods to Gods. Who knows. Here are a few of them.
Caplesica: The Chef
Caplesica is depicted a a large white creature with a snake-like body (no scales). His head is angular and purple. It has three haunting eyes on one side and none on the other. It has six long arms with big hands. It is often depicted with a giant cauldron, it’s various limbs holding, stirring, and adding ingredients. His head however is always depicted as not watching the brew.
Matella/Maia: Keeper of the Orb
Matella, or as she is also known Maia, is depicted as an empty open cloak flowing over a form that isnt there. Looking into the cloak one can see the night sky. In front float two hands holding an Orb of scintillating color. Her face is depicted as a mask of a smiling woman with long platinum hair and bug like antennae.
The Welcome Watcher
The watcher is the odd god that has the most encounters with humans. It is often seen, watching from afar. Often it will make a gesture that seems like it is waving. No one has ever gotten near it though. The Welcome Watcher has a small fat body with rabbit like legs. It has arms but no hands. It’s head is simply a large unblinking eye. The lid of the eye extends upwards in three fleshy protrusions that are somewhat like mimic eyelashes.
