This is the second chapter of the ridiculous sword club history/bible. This part is newly minted. If there is ever to be more of this tale I don’t think I will be the one writing it. With the tale of the second dragon, Dumashiteru sa ma, I have caught up with my now past generation of sword clubbers.
Chapter 2: The Children of Oltgardr
1. Oltgardr created the world in one week.
2. He could have done it faster.
3. He only worked two days of the week.
4. That was enough.
5. On the first day he was.
6. And that was enough.
7. On the second day he created the sky and the earth and the ocean and plants and animals and men and machines and elementary school teachers.
8. And that was more than enough.
9. Oltgardr was so tired he slept for the next two days.
10. And that was enough.
11. On the fifth day he awoke.
12. But that was not enough.
13. On that day Oltgardr taught men to fight.
14. And it was awesome.
15. When the day came to an end all the creatures of the earth came together and said:
16. Let us party!
17. And they partied for two more days.
18. At the end of the party birth was given to the children of Oltgardr.
19. And so creation was completed.
20. In the first days after creation man was weak, dumb, uncreative, uncooperative, and wielded only the most simple of weapons.
21. Man sought the first son of Oltgardr.
22. A great mighty beast it was, covered completely in fur that was red like fire.
23. All things before it either move or were crushed.
24. “Oh Robcat” said the men, “You are so strong but we are so weak. How can we be like you?”
25. “I am strong” rumbled the beast, “because Oltgardr blessed me with the power known as Jew. No man can ever truly know this power. But I can teach you a similar power.”
26. “Teach us! Teach us!” begged the men.
27. And so the Robcat taught men the art of Jew-Jitsu, so that though they could never know the power of Jew they could still be Jewish.
28. And so men became strong.
29. But man was still dumb, uncreative, uncooperative, and wielded only the simplest of weapons.
30. Man sought the second son of Oltgardr.
31. A deceitful creature it was, ever-shifting in form.
32. All things were as pawns on its chessboard.
33. “Oh Monkey King” said the men, “You are so clever but we are so dumb. How can we be like you?”
34. “I am so clever” crooned the spirit, “because I desired never to be tricked. I can teach you this desire. But it comes at a cost. Will you pay me?”
35. “Teach us! Teach us! We will pay! We will pay!” shouted the men.
36. And so it was that the men of the earth gave Monkey King their clothes, for that was what it asked for payment. Then, laughing at the foolish and naked humans it left, teaching them nothing.
37. And so it was the men gained the desire to never be tricked.
38. And so men became clever.
39. But man was still uncreative, uncooperative, and wielded only the simplest of weapons.
40. Man sought the third son of Oltgardr.
41. An unknowable entity, as deadly to the mind as to the body.
42. None who had encountered it still lived.
43. “Oh Cthulhu” said the men, “You know such unknowable things but we are so uncreative. How can we be like you?”
44. Cthulhu spoke unspeakable sounds. It planted forever in the minds of men the ability to twist reality whether or not they wanted to.
45. The men of the earth screamed in terror.
46. And so as the shadows and clowns became nightmare in their minds so too did their ancestors and weapons become dreams to combat the nightmares.
47. And so man became creative.
48. But man was still uncooperative, and wielded only the simplest of weapons.
49. Man sought the fourth son of Oltgardr.
50. A jovial god, all smiling face and laughing belly.
51. All who spoke with it knew true friendship.
52. “ Oh Ganesha” said the men, “All things in this world are your friends but we are so unccoperative. How can we be like you?”
53. “Oh you silly things!” laughed the god, “You are already like me! Just look at yourselves and you will see.”
54. “We see! We see!” rejoiced the men.
55. And so it was that men realized the potential within themselves and rejoiced in each others presence.
56. And so it was that the first teams were created.
57. And so man became cooperative.
58. But man still wielded only the simplest of weapons.
59. Man sought the final son of Oltgardr.
60. The only one to share Oltgardr’s form; a dragon!
61. “Oh great dragon,” proclaimed the men “Since Oltgardr, your father, created us we have become strong, clever, creative, and cooperative. And yet still we feel lacking. You must truly be a complete being; made in Oltgardr’s own image! How can we be more like you?”
62. The dragon purred, “You are strong but do not know how to apply your strength. You are clever but have no purpose to be clever. You are creative but you do not create. You are cooperative but have no goals which require cooperation. How can you claim to have become any of these things?”
63. The men of the earth stood speechless.
64. And so it was that the last son of Oltgardr walked amongst mankind.
65. And so it came to pass that the dragon came to be as one of them, and the men of the earth learned to apply their skills.
66. They learned to use their strength to intimidate and to bend PVC.
67. They learned to use their cleverness to develop tactics in battle and to design weapons to better suit those tactics.
68. They learned to use their creativity and made the art of weaponcraft into a means of expression and created rules for sport and for war.
69. They learned to use their cooperation to organize into pairs, clubs, and nations and to collaborate on projects greater than the sum of their parts.
70. They also learned a thing they did not expect.
71. They learned to act without worry.
72. They learned to do what made them happy.
73. They learned not just to know themselves but to be themselves without fear of others or instilling fear in others.
74. “Oh dragon, wherever you are, what is this trait you have taught us?” asked the men, for they could no longer distinguish the dragon from themselves.
75. A voice purred from no specific direction, “I have taught you the most valuable of all things. More important than the weapons you wield, cooperation, creativity, cleverness, or strength. More important than the creatures of the earth. More important than the elements. You have learned that which first caused Oltgardr to create. You have learned to be silly.”
76. “Oh dragon,” called the men again, “you have given us so much, but we do not even know your name! What shall we call you?”
77. “What shall you call me?” purred the dragon, “Why should you call me anything? Have I taught you nothing? It is no matter. I shall be among you always. You can decide what to call me yourselves.”
78. And so the dragon was given the title of One who Brought Change, for his impact on the world is second only to Oltgardr.
79. And so the men of the earth went forth to make the earth a silly place.
80. A silly place for silly people.